Put an end to your should statements and begin to overcome habitual negative thinking.
"Should" statements are a common negative thinking pattern, or cognitive distortions, that can contribute to feelings of fear and worry. According to theory based on cognitive therapy, one’s thinking can play a major role in developing stress and mental health conditions. Many people with depression and anxiety use should statements when describing themselves and their life situations.
This type of faulty thinking typically surfaces in phrases that include the words “should,” “ought,” or “must.” These statements are used by the negative thinker as a way to take on a pessimistic view their life. People with panic disorder often think with should statements when thinking about their symptoms, which can lead to increased anxiety and avoidance behaviors.
Read through these examples below and notice if you catch your own negative thinking pattern. Then consider ways to rethink and reframe this common cognitive distortion.
Lori has had a fear of flying since she can remember. However, her job requires her to travel by plane several times a year. When traveling by air, Lori typically finds some relief through relaxation techniques to relieve her panic attacks. Her doctor has also prescribed her with a Benzo, a medication that she only takes when flying due to its tranquilizing effects. Lori has noticed that her fear of flying has become worse over the years. She now becomes anxious days before her flight and experiences the physical symptoms of panic and anxiety when she just thinks about flying.
Lori has a lot of negative self-talk around this phobia, which often come out in the form of should statements. Instead of using positive self-affirmations, Lori tells herself “ I must get over this fear.” When at the airport, she says to herself, “I should be able to do this without any fear” and “I am an adult for goodness sake. I ought to be comfortable in a plane!”
Lori’s should statements even continue long after her flight. When back on land, Lori tells herself that she “ought to be more in control of her fears.” She puts herself down, telling herself that she “should have been less nervous.” Lori concludes that she “must get over all of my fear and anxiety without any help or medication.” These thoughts only lead her to experience more stress and disappointment.
Lori is thinking unrealistically by making such self-defeating statements and putting such impractical demands on herself. By being so hard on herself and expecting perfection, she is setting herself up for failure. Lori can swap her should, oughts, and musts with more realistic thoughts. Lori may instead say to herself: “ I do wish I wasn’t so afraid of flying, but I am trying my best and working toward overcoming my fears. This will take time and in the meantime, I accept myself where I am in this process today.”
Should statements typically only make you feel more hopeless about your situation and further diminish your sense of self-esteem. Become aware of your should, oughts, and musts and try to replace them with more encouraging thoughts. It may be helpful to write your should statements down whenever you find yourself experiencing this cognitive distortion. Then, reframe it by writing a more realistic and positive statement. Notice how many should statements you use throughout your day and start replacing them today. Remember that no one is expected to be perfect, including yourself. Begin to be compassionate with yourself, accept your shortcomings, and celebrate in your strengths.
Burns, D. D. “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy,” Avon Books: New York, 1999.
Burns, D.D. “When Panic Attacks: The New Drug-Free Anxiety Therapy That Can Change Your Life” Broadway Books: New York, 2006.