My OCD story has been going on since I was 11. My first obsession was about AIDS. I would wear bandaids on all my fingers everyday until I was 16 years old. I finally was able to overcome that one. But, then came the obsession that I was a lesbian (I'm not). I was sure I was.
I had a break from the time I was 17 until age 19. Then I got a tattoo to reward myself of not being afraid of AIDS. Well, that backfired like crazy, and for the next 6 months I was convinced I had AIDS.
Again, I was able to get over it. Then I met my husband, and he made it seem like I was over it. I had a baby girl and all seemed well, until last May when my dad had heart attack. He is fine, but I am not.
The fear of death has taken over my life. I can count six different cancers or diseases that I thought I have had in the last year. I am 5 months pregnant now and trying so hard to get over it. I am convined that I have lymphoma right now. I found a lump. I search for those. I went to the doctor to find out that it is a NORMAL lymph node. But, I have played with it so much I have made it swollen.
I have been on Zoloft before but I wanted to have a baby. I just want the long journey to end. I have spent the last 15 years of my life being scared. I hate it. I just want to let life be. I am afraid of therapy. I do realize that I should go.
I will win. I always do. It is such a long battle.
The sun is always shining somewhere, though the storms may obscure it from view.
Always a light in the heavens, though rain clouds may hide it, too.
And though we lose sight of the brightness
And shadows may darken our door,
Always the sun will appear once again,
Shining as bright as before.
Look for the Sun.
-- A Precious Moments card that gives me hope.
