Friday night was being-social night. My friends wanted me to come out to a bar they frequent. I've been there before, a couple of times. As far as bars go, it's not all that bad. They had a bunch of other friends coming, so it wasn't like I'd be mingling with complete strangers.

Unfortunately, however, I felt extremely uncomfortable the whole time. Very awkward. I couldn't think of much to say and sat there feeling extremely obvious. I didn't want to go right up until I went, so I didn't arrive in a good frame of mind.

But, now I'll have to find the silver lining... one of my friends was very supportive of me the whole time. We had a chance to talk a couple of times, and he said some stuff that did make me feel a little better, mainly that nobody was noticing my silence. Also, after we left the bar, we all went out to eat, and I felt more comfortable in a restaurant and so was able to talk more. Other good points... I actually went in the first place and I didn't flee, although I thought of doing so a number of times.

As I said last week, not bad for someone who once couldn't even walk downstairs to get her mail. (Just... need... to... keep... remembering... that)

My bigger frustration of the week was yesterday. I was supposed to go to the doctor's for a physical and to talk about going on medication. I've been trying to do this for... how long now? I'm not sure. This time, however, my therapist drove me there. I made it to the parking lot but just couldn't get out of the car.

Needless to say, I'm not feeling too happy about this one. My therapist is so extremely supportive about this and is emphasizing that I was able to get to the parking lot and that I need to take things one step at a time. I feel like I wasted his time (and he's told me again and again that I didn't). I also feel (and I haven't told him this yet) embarrassed about how I broke down once we were in the parking lot.

OK, well, I'm having a difficult time finding the silver lining with that experience. It is so easy for me to tell other people to take it one step at a time, but I am so unforgiving of myself when I don't do something. I need to stop that.

Copyright ©1998 Cathleen J. Henning