A few people did express concern with my frame of mind and my statement that I felt out of control of my therapy. I want to assure everyone who reads this that I am nowhere near the point of giving up on myself, and I haven't been for quite some time. In addition, if I ever do feel that hopeless, I would not use this journal as a cry for help as I don't feel it's an appropriate place.

However, I do feel the journal is an appropriate place for describing the emotions I feel as I struggle through therapy. I intend to describe these as honestly as possible, even when those emotions are frustrating or frightening. I am determined to progress in my recovery. As I mentioned in my first journal entry, I have a problem with anger. In order for me to deal with that problem and to unbury the underlying causes, I will have to journey through some rough patches. I hope you will bear with me as I do so. Anger, frustration, unhappiness, fear... these are often unwanted emotions, but experiencing them is not a setback. I intend to learn about the emotions that I fear and to continue this lesson, I will have to open up to many unpleasant feelings.

I faced some of these unpleasant emotions during my therapy appointment this week. As the appointment approached, I began to fear facing my therapist and telling her how unhappy I was with the direction of therapy. My therapy appointments are in the afternoon which gives me the early part of the day to deal with anticipatory anxiety. I tried to focus on other activities, but I could feel that familiar desire to avoid the situation creeping in.

I did go, however. I climbed into my (newly fixed) car and began the 25 minute to the appointment, focusing on the blue skies and my driving. And I went into my appointment and told my therapist how I was feeling about therapy.

I had a difficult time expressing myself which was frustrating because I thought I knew exactly what I wanted from therapy. I did feel that I was getting part of what I wanted, but that the topics in each session were not connecting to each other.

My therapist asked me how I felt at the end of the last session, and I described my feelings as frustration. I told her what I was thinking and what I did after the session (which included eating a lot of some very unhealthy food). She then said that the one word I left out of my description was "anger" and that it sure sounded to her like I had been feeling angry. She also said that I then went home and took my anger out on myself.

I really felt confused by this description of anger because I hadn't thought that I was feeling angry. I thought it was frustration. I told her that I thought anger was a more "out of control" feeling. She said that "out of control" describes what a person does (or doesn't) do with an emotion; anger is the emotion itself, and there are varying levels of anger.

She went on to say that she thought my dissatisfaction with therapy was part of my ongoing dissatisfaction with people in general. And, my dissatisfaction often results from my inability to ask for something specific, and, therefore, I often don't get what I want. For example, we'd already discussed my anger during some phone calls when I wouldn't get what I wanted from someone and how I feared my anger in such situations. My therapist pointed out that I could always bring up specific topics when I came into therapy or mention that I wanted to discuss the previous week's topic again.

I felt an overwhelming sadness and fear during this discussion. I didn't want to feel such anger at other people, just because they didn't do what I want. I also felt some hopelessness because I felt that, in the past, when I asked people for specific help, they still didn't do what I wanted.

However, as I expressed these feelings to my therapist, I realized that I was reaching a new point in my understanding of myself. Of course, I feel sadness and fear about this anger -- I've avoided the anger (and situations that may cause it) because of the sadness and fear. To face the anger, I will have to face sadness, fear and other feelings. I will have to face parts of myself that are unpleasant. The good news is that I can change these parts of myself.

My therapist said that I should be proud of myself for opening up to her in this way, for talking about these topics rather than avoiding therapy, as I had felt like doing. In writing this journal entry, I have to say that I am happy about where the discussion went. It might seem like I'm in a scary, lonely place right now, but I feel so proud of myself for being ready to face that place.

Besides the anger issue (or maybe along with as these feelings are all related), I can see a couple of important issues I must face. One is self-esteem. This is no surprise, of course, but the connections are often blurred. My therapist pointed out that I avoid asking for what I want because I feel unworthy of getting it. I feel that if someone doesn't simply give something to me (without my asking) then I must not be worthy of it in the first place. The second issue for me is figuring out what I actually want before I ask for it. This issue involves decision-making, too.

I want to close by saying how glad I am to have this journal. Each week, it has helped me sort out the feelings and thoughts resulting from my therapy appointment. Writing helps us understand ourselves, and I encourage everyone to try journaling as a productive recovery tool.

Copyright ©1998 Cathleen J. Henning